fx equals 1x2x1
by utsubame
Summary: [ONE SHOT] Duo sees his and Heero's relationship as a mathematical equation with hilarious results. 1x2x1 and lame attempt at humour.


**Disclaimers:** Gundam Wing doesn't belong to me, nor will it ever. The mathematical functions used here are purely fictional and anyone seen to reproduce them will fail additional math… like did.

**Warnings:** Nothing much except improper use of mathematical functions to the point that a math graduate might kill me. Suggestive math equations leading to a healthy does of 1x2x1 (_depending on how long Heero needs to solve the equation _)

**Notes:** This was written for Keiran's request on ficondemand for Duo thinking of Heero's relationship as a mathematical equation and also based on this email to Wu Fei:

_198 A.C. 15th of June._

_Hey Wuffers!_

_I'm sitting on the window sill of my house on L2, sipping a coke with a drop of lemon and watching as my wannabe boyfriend struggles with a piece of some-or-other crap. Hilde is walking all over him usually – this time however she is charming the brains of our other co-worker. Make that a prospective boyfriend. Hilde, as much of a sweetheart as she normally is, is always on a quest to find more boyfriends. Not that she is two-timing any of them though._

_Her efforts usually are in vain, mostly cause she is living with two guys and Mr Perfect Soldier definitely can be scary sometimes. That's not explaining much, so, let me elaborate: Hilde likes guys who are physically strong. She is pretty conservative and believes that the guy should be protecting the woman he loves (her views had to be revised when soldier-boy dropped on my doorstep recently – now it's 'the guy should be protecting the person he loves'). Which leads to some rather interesting situations, since her idea of a perfect first day is candle-lit dinner, but the perfect second one is usually at the nearest gym. Hilde is an ex-soldier, plus her jobs consists mainly of moving around some heavy stuff, hence even I would think twice before challenging her to a wrestling match. So this one day a prospective boyfriend is dropping by for an expected visit (to meet the family), and suddenly is faced with no one other than Heero Yuy, the skin-and-bones guy we all know and love, who is effortlessly carrying a metal scrap roughly his size and weight. I might be exaggerating with the 'effortless' part but the impression was pretty accurate._

_So was the guy's expression. They broke up after a couple of dates though. Can't really remember why, but they still are in contact. No reason to break useful connections, right? _

_Okay, I know you're probably thinking back to the first sentence, the one with the 'boyfriend' in it._

_Believe it or not, but three months ago Mr Iceberg himself showed up (literally) in my house, saying that Relena sucked and 'I want to stay with you'. And here I was thinking that our relationship has settled on a constant ( f(x)a, where 'x' is time and 'a' is defined as 'close friends living far apart')._

_He didn't say she sucked, I know. I frankly have no idea what's his problem with the girl, honestly. I might understand why he is opposed to the idea of spending his life with her, but other than that? So she is slightly off her rocker some of the time – she actually showed up here, not long after he did, demanding to know just why I 'corrupted her precious Heero and made him leave her'. I nearly died laughing. If she is really our only chance for world peace I might consider starting to built an atomic shelter. Honestly._

_Hugs!_

My ficcie happens right after Duo clicks the send button:

**f(x) equals 1x2x1**

Heero Yuy stretched his arms high above his head. He was feeling rather accomplished today. He had hauled a tonne of scrap, separated the coloured laundry from the whites, closed a deal for Hilde's scrap yard that would be enough for all three of them to live comfortably for a while, and frightened the pants of another one of Hilde's potential dates.

Yup, it was a wonderful day.

Then again, Hilde wasn't all that happy with him. She was really hoping that this was going to be the one. The guy looked decent enough, had a good grip, looked like he could protect her from the worst of characters, he even had a nice parting in his hair. Hey, it was really important to have good parting in a guy's hair. That way, one could see the potential of baldness in their future partner and thus bringing that gene into their children.

At least that was Heero's theory. Heero could recite theories about the mechanics and engineering of Gundams but when it came to hereditary baldness, he was as clueless as all of Hilde's dates. Then again, he knew Hilde would protest. She thought all her dates extremely witty and intelligent. So then, why did that guy run away when Heero asked him about the theory of relativity? Okay, so that question might be a little specialised, but he couldn't even answer the type of grip he needed to free himself when in a headlock. Even then, perhaps he knew little about hand-to-hand combat, so why couldn't he give Heero a definite choice of handguns to protect Hilde from a terrorist attack and how would he disarm a bomb. These were basic in the protection of the one you love.

Heero would gladly disarm a bomb for Duo Maxwell, his boyfriend of three months. So he gave the man, which he hadn't even found out his name yet, the full power of Yuy Deathglare. He wanted to get it trademarked, it was a very useful weapon. No other handheld devices or military vehicles had the firepower of Yuy Deathglare.

He couldn't be sure but he thought he saw a wet spot on the guy's pants as he bade a hasty farewell and hightailed out of there. Then he got the Hilde Deathray of Doom, which made him revise his earlier view of Yuy Deathglare. Hilde's Deathray of Doom nearly blew him halfway across L2.

His earlier happy mood dimmed. Damn the Deathray.

His gloomy mood brightened considerably as he spied his boyfriend sitting at the computer table, doodling on a piece of paper. He wasn't going to think things like Duo being the ray of sunshine in his life and all that tripe. After all, which ray of sunshine left smelly socks lying about on the bed and his poor boyfriend just happen to turn his nose onto it. Heero had bolted for the bathroom without a moment to spare before paying homage to the porcelain god. Duo should register those feet as a deadly weapon. Let's just say, Duo was his… warm huggy body pillow that was able to perform some wonderful favours all other warm huggy pillows in the market couldn't.

The thought of all the wonderful favours the huggy pillow could perform was making his blood run hot and his pants tight.

Duo had his chin propped up against his left hand while his right held a pen and was scribbling aimlessly on a piece of paper, a soft smile playing about on his lips. Then the smile turned positively naughty. Curious, Heero drew closer, treading softly but not soft enough to take Duo off guard. He learned early on that it was a huge mistake. He had tried to surprise Duo early in their relationship and perhaps sneak in a kiss but Duo had reacted without thinking and he spent the night with an ice pack in his lap and Duo apologising profusely to him. It was two days before he could walk without looking like he was carrying rocks in his jeans.

Now, he walked just loud enough to Duo know someone was there but there was nothing to be overly alert about. He peeped over Duo's shoulder and saw scrawled over the paper some odd mathematical functions. Or at least he thought were mathematical functions. They weren't like any he has ever seen before.

_1-R equals 1x2_

_1-R equals H+1x2_

_f(x) equals H-1/hg_

And finally the oddest one yet:

_1x2 equals 69x_

"Hey," Heero called out softly, smiling when Duo looked up.

"Hey yourself," Duo lifted his chin in invitation for a kiss. "So, done terrorising Hilde's date?" He asked, watching as Heero dropped into the seat in front of him.

Heero shrugged. "Taking a break. I have another appointment in half an hour."

Duo snorted. "You have to stop doing that. She's going to kick us out and boy, does she have a strong pair of legs."

"She deserves someone who can tell her the proper camouflage to buy or can beat her at dismantling a gun. Better yet, be able to pin her down for three counts."

"So, her boyfriend would be you?" Duo asked, quirking his eyebrow in amusement.

"Why not? I am perfect." Heero grinned, before staring down at the paper again. "What were you doing?"

"Sending an email to Wuffers," Duo waved carelessly toward the computer.

"I meant this," the Japanese boy tapped on the paper. "Math?"

Duo grinned. "Oh, that's us."

"Huh?"

Duo rolled his eyes and pointed to the first one. "Heero function minus Relena function equals you and Duo function."

Heero blinked. "That's… that's…" Insane? They were an equation now? They were a function?

"Isn't it fun?" Duo turned the paper around. "You got rid of Relena function," he crossed out the R and drew a heart with the 1x2 in the middle of it.

Heero wondered if Duo had been in the sun too long. He wasn't sure if he knew how to treat sunstroke properly.

But Duo was still talking, which was always a good sign that he wasn't ill. "And there is this. Heero function with no Relena function and is with happy Duo function," he drew a smiley face under the 2 followed by another larger grin under 1. "Now happy Heero function meets frustrated Hilde function and we are one happy threesome…" He got smacked on the head. "…family."

Heero smiled indulgingly at Duo's little story telling using math equations. Duo must be really bored. Perhaps there was… something the two of them could do. He was also thinking of a way to seal Duo's currently moving lips. Oh, he liked them moving, but preferably with something in between.

"This isn't such a good one," Duo pointed to the third one seriously. "This is Hilde function getting pissed with Heero function for chasing away boyfriends function and Hilde function wants to kill Heero function but Duo function won't let her because Heero function is a nice person to Duo function and does all manner of nice things to Duo function's… functions."

"Wait," Heero function raised his hand. What? Did he just think of himself as a function? Duo was driving him insane. "You got that from f(x)H-1/hg?"

"Well, that and from the endless muttering of Hilde in my ear. I am half deaf now because of you!"

Heero puffed out his nonexistent chest. So he was still a teen, he felt he had some time to fill out. Besides he was filled out in places where it mattered most to _Duo_. That was more than enough. "When she gets someone who is able to hack through the Preventors network, build a plane with nothing more than a penknife and toothpicks, and beat me at hand to hand combat, then we can bring it to the discussion table. Also, she has to find one that is able to control his bladder. Dribbling in the house is such bad form."

Duo let his head thump loudly on the table. He felt Heero poking at him. He looked up thoroughly resigned. Hilde was on her own. "Yeah?"

"What's this last one?"

_(1x2) equals 69x_

Duo grinned. "Can't you tell?"

Heero stared at it for the longest time. And kept on staring… and staring… and staring… and started blushing. "What's the X function for?" He asked, his voice suddenly unnaturally high. They had never tried _that_ before.

"Then number of times Duo and Heero function would have to try…" Before Duo could finish, he was being dragged into the bedroom by an overzealous Heero function while a very satisfied Hilde function gave him a thumbs up sign from the window.

Hilde and her stupid dates. She owed him a huge one.

The End

I am so sorry but for some reason, doesn't allow me to use the equals sign, so I had to replace it with words. Dang it!


End file.
